Letting Myself Be Loved

I know healing doesn’t happen in a straight line. It comes in waves & cycles, seasons, ebbs, flows & spirals. It doesn’t always feel good either. Physical or emotional discomfort, the ache of vulnerability, or the cleansing power of tears.

So when they marked me for a warrior - white lines on my hands, ankles, knees, nose, cheeks & eyes, I was ready.

So they can see you in the Spirit World.

The yoni steam was like a mini sweat lodge. A staff between my legs. To hold onto, to keep you grounded, she said, and to keep the blanket above me from touching my head. Under that, I was wrapped in a sheet (naked underneath). 

Earlier, Belinda & Naomi showed me how to put the herbs in - lavender, basil, rose petals, calendula, rosemary, candian cedar & finally peyote. Passing down wisdom from their ancestors.

Take a minute to pray with the plants, she said. Tell them who you are, where you come from, why you’re here & what you ask of them.

To clear! 

To get all the stuckness out of my body. Deep down in the deep.

All the times I had sex & didn’t mean it. All the times I gave my power away for someone else’s benefit. All the times I was taken advantage of by people who were supposed to know better. 

Saying it outloud was hard to hear.

They prayed over the plants & over me. Singing those ancient songs that sounded both incantation & lullaby. They used eagle knife feathers to cut away the stale, old energy.

It was uncomfortable for me. To let the warm medicine enter through that secret place. My right leg went completely numb. Not that tingly feeling when your foot falls asleep - but totally, completely, painfully. And it’s uncomfortable to breathe; the steam heating everything from the inside out & nowhere for it to go.

No escaping.

I’d heard about the benefits of yoni steaming - used for all kinds of things: recovery from birthing, healing menstrual symptoms. 

I came because it felt like I was drying up from the inside out, like the precious life force energy I read so much about was pinched shut. I wanted to open up. I wanted to not be so scared anymore - of who I used to be, of my body, of the power of my sexual energy.

There is wisdom in the body. I’ve been doing personal & spiritual development for over a decade but it feels like I’m just starting. I know emotions get stored in tissue. I know if it isn’t cleared, trauma becomes more & more physical. But until now, I didn’t have anyone to walk me through. 

These two beautiful women with their outpouring of love, their safe space & their old ways. They didn’t ask me to explain anything. No details about all the terrible things & what a relief...

to just let myself be loved.